Posted by Candy Corona clenches her gut and clamps her lips as a droplet of saliva, caught between a breath and a swallow, causes her lungs to hack.
“Let us bow our heads and pray for those not under quarantine in this hour of world tribulation.”
Candy’s eyes water, her nose begins to drip and in the silence her cough is heard. At first, a jagged, stuttering, puttering “huh-huh-huh-huh” that grows into a “OOHA HUH HUH HUH HUH!”
Next to her, Deacon Horxin’s eye starts twitching, then there is a sharp suction whistle from his lips and nose from a quick intake of breath followed by a booming, “KERCHOO”
“Molly, get your fingers out of your eyes!”
“David, get your fingers out of your nose!”
“Remember to save the children, brethren. They don’t know any better,” said the minister. “Those of you fortunate to have hoarded a year’s worth of toilet paper and bottled water should remember the great blessings the lord has bestowed on you and with what horrible wrath the lord has dealt with those…uh, not fortunate enough to have bottled water or toilet paper right now.”
“What does he mean by that, mommy?”
“I don’t know. Keep your hands off the hymnal. You never know whose hands have touched it. There’s that Suzy bitch. I’ll shake hands with her but I ain’t bowin’ to her skanky ass.”
“What’s a sk…”
“Never mind.”
“The lord be with you.”
“And also with you.”
“A reading from the holy gospel according to Mowf:
The tests are here and they are beautiful. Let us rise and all say it together:
BEAUTIFUL!
Near Zero Blog 