A Congressman of Equal Weight

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“Those who make antithesis by forcing words are like those who make false windows for symmetry. Their rule is not to speak accurately, but to make apt figures of speech.” – Blaise Pascal

The rotund legislator from Imaliyah County, Michigan was in line at a grocery store in Kunt County, Michigan one winter day when a nondescript nobody, maybe in his 50’s was staring at him. To the overweight congressman the guy was the very reason he’d gotten a law degree and went into politics; to keep the commoner from stealing from the government and getting what he hasn’t deserved. But the fat guy digresses. He wants to impress upon you, dear reader, his goodness; or not his, rather, god’s through him. You see, he is just a humble guy trying to understand things and keep his nose clean.

“There’s a lot of folks out there not taking the coronavirus serious but I don’t think the governor should be telling us what to do unless she is a republican. But I don’t make politics of things. I try to see things straight. I will take another politician’s words out of context because, 1) I am real good at it, and 2) because that is what a politician does in order to push forward his agenda. I coulda been a lazy ass and sat around writing poetry all day and smoking pot, and stealing from my family and friends and getting free health care but I inherited property, I am entitled to it and I have to do what I can to keep freeloaders from taking it from me. I prefer to be more truthful to who I am, an overweight legislator with an outdated puritan narrative in my head and no moral scruples when it comes to justifying the means to getting things morally right. And that’s right, not left. But again, it ain’t about politics. It’s common sense.

You shoulda seen this guy I saw in the store the other day. Same son of a bitch I have seen all of my life. Recognizes me and tries to show me up or something. Some insignificant who wants his 15 seconds of fame taking on a big shot like me. Only I have enough humility to not call myself a big shot in public. My wife doesn’t think I am such a big shot anyway (phoney chuckle, heh heh heh). But I am just standing in line and there is this guy in line staring at me. I try staring back at him in a friendly way but he just keeps on staring. You don’t know how badly I wanted to take advantage of it and confront him in front of all those other voters standing in line around him. That woulda showed him up for sure! Well, I am a civil man, and I was feeling a little hungry because I didn’t have my pre brunch snack so I didn’t have the energy. But I sure gave him a smirk of disgust for staring at me like that. Insignificant nobody. I am sure he thought he had some credible objection to me. Nut job.

The guy in his 50s, the guy whom the rotund legislator found so worthy of a look of disgust and a smirk?

“Maybe it was gas, I cannot reject that notion. I mean, come on, eat a salad congressman.” That’s what he was thinking. You see, the guy in his 50s is near sighted and saw the obese legislator from Imaliyah county over in Kunt Co. and wondered if it was indeed him, the fat guy legislator from Imaliyah county. For a second he isn’t so sure it isn’t the professional football player turned talk show host who used to wear mascara while tackling other large men carrying balls and who now writes children’s books. Near sightedness makes it hard to see so the man in his 50’s looks further, and again. He notices the fat guy is staring back and wonders why. I mean, how could the fat guy possibly know him? Then the fat guy gives the 50 year old a smirk and a look of disgust, a universal gesture of judgemental stupidity that says, “I am too much of a nice guy (Pfff) to yell, “stop staring at me.” He is a child but doesn’t want to be seen as one while playing out some bully on the playground scenario, or some horseshit. Ah yes, it must in fact be him, the fat guy legislator from Imaliyah Co. Got a law degree to give the right vocabulary for the wrong reasons. Else you right children’s books because you already have the vocabulary for it. Just take out the locker room words. Little Timmy skidded (skint?) his knee in the grass and the guy with the bag of pills and syringes said, “here, take this.” Then little Timmy lifted an offensive lineman out of his way, crushed the quarterback’s skull and then took his ball and ran for a 60 yard touchdown. After he which he pointed to the sky to thank the lord for his awesome football skills before spiking the ball.

And that is all the matter means to the 50 year old who saw the overweight congressman give him a sneer of personal disgust when he had no idea who he was looking at or what he was thinking. The 50 year old has no voting interest in the fat guy or hearing his phoney and disingenuous puritan rhetoric. The fat guy congressman is a mere prototype of the outmoded puritan savage in our midst who is nonetheless very good at justifying his own imaginary moral preeminence.

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