Song For Mom

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A Song for Mom
Tired of the pain, tired of the loss and the suffering, I don’t know if I can bare to smile again knowing I’ll never see you or talk to you again. I know I never was much, not nearly what you claimed of me, always treated you like you were someone I would rather not see, only because it hurt to be loved, knowing that only you could love me.

If I left here today would you open the door, would you know I was coming knowing I couldn’t stand it here any more? I know you weren’t the only one I hurt in the past, but unlike all the others you forgave me, and no matter what anybody says nothing can change that. In the morning I cry myself awake wondering how much more I can take. And I remember you telling me to be good just for goodness’ sake.

And now I am shaken, startled and awake, remembering that morning as a child in your arms and the concern on your face wondering what was wrong, wondering if I was going to awaken. You had two children who had died before, whom the lord had taken, and later there was a third, and I always wondered why I was the one he’d forsaken. But you kept me close to your heart and comforted me no matter what I did. Since you’ve been gone I have only heard your words beseeching “come and see me” and when I didn’t you left.

And now I am left alone just as I had left you, can’t stir the life around me, can’t shake the thoughts of you. And it is getting cold, my heart can’t kindle or stoke any heat, my knees are weak and I am heavy on my feet. The passing day is more a curse than a blessing, but that you already knew, that is why you always comforted me, assured me it soon would pass and the life around me would seem fresh and worth all the suffering at last. But I am waning in the clear, looking over the barren trees and thinking of my end drawing near. I don’t want to be taken into your womb to do this again. For I am convinced one lifetime is penance for countless sufferings.

Life ends in a shallow grave before anything is clear, before you can pull enough love into your heart to forgive anyone let alone everyone, and the multitude of people you’ve become in the minds of all those near tramples anything you could give to bring any amount of cheer. But you learn to push aside and make way, try again with your fellow man, offer him a chance to give, and something to take. A chance he’ll probably turn aside, but still you try…and try. And maybe one day life will stir you and you will feel light on your feet again as if a thousand friends of youth once again called you friend.

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